just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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