so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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