I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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