Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
