Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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