Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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