i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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