I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize