do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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