Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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