I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
