i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
