He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
