It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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