You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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