im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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