I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
