I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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