I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
