Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
