no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
