I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
You can't special order awesome
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
