It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
