i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
