As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize