Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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