Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
