I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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