Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
