I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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