Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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