You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
