i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
