I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
