Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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