so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
