our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
