bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
