I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
