paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
