I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
