a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
