The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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