our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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