Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
