I puked a lego.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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