Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
