I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
