I think I died a long time ago.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
