i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
