Even the bartender felt bad for me
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
