Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think your dad took our porno
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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