yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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