she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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