I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
