Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
