So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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