omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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