if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
