I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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