My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
