my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
